|
Post by Frank on Mar 10, 2015 19:14:10 GMT 10
Ma was in the POSSIBLE SPAM POST - PLEASE REPORT kitchen ferkling around , when she hollers out "Pa, you need to go fix the outhouse"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
|
|
|
Post by Spongebob on Mar 24, 2015 19:00:06 GMT 10
Grandfathers don't know everything! THIS IS TOO CUTE NOT TO SHARE
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse. Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
|
|
|
Post by Azza ( AB ) on May 13, 2015 21:25:48 GMT 10
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke
May 14, 2015 5:49:29 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on May 14, 2015 5:49:29 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by Azza ( AB ) on Jul 20, 2015 8:52:37 GMT 10
The only cow in a small town in Latrobe Valley in Victoria, stopped giving milk. The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Woy Woy in N.S.W, for $500.00. They bought the cow from Woy Woy in N.S.W and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, & the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow & produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away they said. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side & she walks away to the other side.” The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, “Did you buy this cow in Woy Woy in N.S.W?” The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?' The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye. “My Wife is from Woy Woy!”
|
|
|
Joke
Aug 24, 2015 23:30:43 GMT 10
Post by Langers on Aug 24, 2015 23:30:43 GMT 10
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place. For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day in Northern British Columbia, a Royal Canadian Mounted constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't." said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Joanne....."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke
Aug 25, 2015 5:49:46 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2015 5:49:46 GMT 10
Oh dear .
|
|
|
Joke
Aug 25, 2015 22:29:21 GMT 10
Post by Frank on Aug 25, 2015 22:29:21 GMT 10
A member of the public helped put by a member of the mounties Lol
|
|
|
Post by Bocce on Oct 14, 2015 9:20:01 GMT 10
OK, so I work for the Spirit of Tasmania, and I must say this is the funniest joke I have read in a long time.
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort in Bali. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" No, she said, "I was a hooker in Devonport and I worked both sides of the river."
|
|
|
Post by Bocce on Oct 14, 2015 9:29:22 GMT 10
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke
Oct 14, 2015 20:34:48 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2015 20:34:48 GMT 10
Very inyeresting that Matt. Yeah euro english hey .
|
|
|
Joke
Oct 14, 2015 21:17:53 GMT 10
Post by Spongebob on Oct 14, 2015 21:17:53 GMT 10
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" The man responded in a loud voice: "$750 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING THAT MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
|
|
|
Joke
Oct 14, 2015 21:20:53 GMT 10
Post by Spongebob on Oct 14, 2015 21:20:53 GMT 10
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes on a forum
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke
Oct 15, 2015 19:04:23 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2015 19:04:23 GMT 10
Very inyeresting that Matt. Yeah euro english hey . Says the man with his own language sometimes
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke
Oct 16, 2015 5:41:23 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 5:41:23 GMT 10
Very inyeresting that Matt. Yeah euro english hey . Says the man with his own language sometimes It's not me Anna it's my phone.
|
|