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Joke
Oct 16, 2015 18:05:55 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 18:05:55 GMT 10
The guys were on a biker tour. No one wanted to share a room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and well rested. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into his bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the cheek. Mick sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom.
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Joke
Oct 17, 2015 15:59:14 GMT 10
Post by placid on Oct 17, 2015 15:59:14 GMT 10
Two birds watched as a turtle spent two hours climbing a tree, only to perch on a branch and jump off, crashing straight to the ground.
Uninjured, the turtle began the long climb up the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
"Honey," said the first bird to the second, "don't you think it's time we told Arthur he's adopted?"
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Post by placid on Oct 17, 2015 15:59:55 GMT 10
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
“Did you smell that food?” she asked. “It smells absolutely incredible!”
Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought “What the heck…, I’ll treat her.”
So, he walked her past it again…
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Joke
Nov 17, 2015 6:13:49 GMT 10
Post by Frank on Nov 17, 2015 6:13:49 GMT 10
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
*Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"*
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Joke
Nov 17, 2015 16:50:38 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2015 16:50:38 GMT 10
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Post by Frank on Nov 23, 2015 19:40:26 GMT 10
A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof.
She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Alberta Bear Remover."
So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will become subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2015 19:59:06 GMT 10
(rofl Love it Frank Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something… If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish? Or if I asked for Biltong, would you ask if I was South Afrikaans?" The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?" The assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings." ..................................................................................................... English Stiff Upper Lip On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?" The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
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Joke
Dec 2, 2015 18:03:47 GMT 10
Post by puffy275 on Dec 2, 2015 18:03:47 GMT 10
This chap walks into a bar, not realizing that it was ladies night a there were no men in there. He strolls up to the bar and says to the barmaid, would you like to hear a blond joke? The barmaid, who happened to be blood, looked at him and said.
See that woman over there in the red top and blond hair, she used to be in the women's marines and taught jujitsu to both male and female recruits.
See the woman in the black pantsuit and blond hair, she's world champion taekwondo, not once but three times over.
And me, I'm world champion weightlifter. I could lift three of you over my head and toss you 30 ft after it.
Are you sure you want to tell your joke? She asks.
The man says, no! I couldn't be bothered telling it three times.
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Post by Frank on Dec 2, 2015 20:28:07 GMT 10
One day many years ago, my mate accidentally overturned his golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's David and I'm okay thanks," he replied.
"David, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . David was weak. "Well okay," he finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative Vodka and tonic water, he thanked Elizabeth and said "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best go now"
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Probably still under the cart ...." he said ....
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Post by Langers on Jan 22, 2016 22:27:34 GMT 10
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!
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Joke
Jan 23, 2016 20:23:49 GMT 10
Post by Frank on Jan 23, 2016 20:23:49 GMT 10
Hillary Clinton's Autobiography...
This is an extract from Hillary Clinton's autobiography, 'The Truth Will Always Prevail '. To be released soon…
"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.
Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself. "By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. "As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice: "Sack my cook"…….
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."
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Joke
Feb 18, 2016 8:09:53 GMT 10
Post by Azza ( AB ) on Feb 18, 2016 8:09:53 GMT 10
A woman walked into the POSSIBLE SPAM POST - PLEASE REPORT kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
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Post by Frank on Feb 18, 2016 19:47:35 GMT 10
THE TOILET SEAT.... My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament.. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied,
“Actually, I’ve seen lots of them……I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
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Post by Frank on Feb 22, 2016 20:35:36 GMT 10
Apologies to any smith's on the forum LOL
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.' ...Mrs. Smith fainted
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Post by pommy (Lee) on Feb 25, 2016 20:37:15 GMT 10
Not sure if you'd class this as clean delete if not. Thought my first joke could be bike related.
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question.... have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope......but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
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