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Post by Frank on Feb 29, 2016 20:39:04 GMT 10
The doctor checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests.
A day later the doctor rings him with the results. 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320 Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, align, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'F##k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2016 12:10:44 GMT 10
Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?Husband : First make it, we will name it later. A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :Dear google, please do not behave like my wife... Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting. A married man's prayer : Dear God, You gave me childhood; You took it away. You gave me youth; You took it away. You gave me a wife. It’s been years now, just reminding You. A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home?" Husband answers: "Because he's thinking of getting married." Employee : Sir, you are like a lion in the office! What about at home Boss : I am a lion at home too but there we have a lion tamer !!! A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."Wife : Honey ... you say grace before eating at home. Husband : That's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook. Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :"Please Do Not Disturb me. I am married and already very Disturbed."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2016 17:36:44 GMT 10
Great one sent to me by the BIG MAAN Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. 'The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am'. The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from? 'The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am. The first one responds, 'So, am I! and what street did you live on in Dublin' ? 'The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' 'The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! and what school did ya go to?. 'The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course. 'The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I' Tell me, what year did you graduate?. 'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964. ' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us, I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight'. 'Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
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Post by Frank on Apr 30, 2016 8:41:36 GMT 10
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
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Post by Frank on May 5, 2016 20:28:51 GMT 10
A Sparky (so-called Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Sparky, the Royalty of all Trades"
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The Sparky is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter,
"We've added up all your time sheets."
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Post by Frank on May 21, 2016 8:12:18 GMT 10
An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served the people of Manuka, in the nation's capital, for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I die," whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a response. Soon an answer came back; Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our re-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life and behavior after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull.
"Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our Saviour died between two lying, thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."
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Joke
May 21, 2016 8:55:06 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 8:55:06 GMT 10
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Post by Frank on May 25, 2016 19:37:09 GMT 10
Family Court Ruling from Perth Western Australia
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Fremantle Dockers , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Joke
May 25, 2016 20:30:53 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 20:30:53 GMT 10
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Joke
Feb 12, 2017 15:45:40 GMT 10
via mobile
Pete1100 likes this
Post by Frank on Feb 12, 2017 15:45:40 GMT 10
THE RECTUM STRETCHER! A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'
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Deleted
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Joke
Feb 12, 2017 21:54:26 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2017 21:54:26 GMT 10
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Joke
May 22, 2017 20:31:37 GMT 10
Post by shane1800 on May 22, 2017 20:31:37 GMT 10
Joke of the day The Richmond Football Club
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Post by Frank on Oct 27, 2017 11:09:05 GMT 10
Update on Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old.After a fulfilling life, but now a widow, she happily sits in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years’?
The fairy godmother replied 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I
last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? ‘
Cinderella was overjoyed and after some thought replied
’The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my pension and I wish to be wealthy again.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
The fairy godmother then asked 'What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality and she was young and beautiful again and she felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
The fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob was immediately transformed into the most handsome man Cinderella had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.' and disappeared in a flash of blue light.
Bob and Cinderella looked lovingly into each other's eyes. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella and held her in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... 'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
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Post by chillie on Jan 22, 2018 21:08:10 GMT 10
The other day I held a door open for a clown, it was a nice jester.
Pasteurize, to far to see.
No matter how far you push the envelope it will always remain stationary.
Who ever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
I just added my grandma to my speed dial, I call that instgram.
Stealing someone's coffee should be called a mugging.
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Post by chillie on Feb 7, 2018 21:09:05 GMT 10
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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