|
Post by beerfrog on Aug 13, 2014 7:01:54 GMT 10
Dear Technical Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. The new program also began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
——————————————————–
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: ” C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2014 21:42:34 GMT 10
Don't mean to hijack your joke beerfrog, but 7 pages on the other one can be a bit much specially when stuff aint' working on puter or mouse.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
|
|
|
Post by puffy275 on Sept 21, 2014 18:33:05 GMT 10
A farmer was in his paddock near a main road, when a white car with government plates on it pulled up. This chap walks up to the farmer and asked if he was the owner of the farm. He says yes. The government man tells him that he is investigating a contraband smuggling racket in the area and want to search his property. The farmer, having nothing to hide, says sure, just don't go into the green barn. Before he could finish his sentence, the government man pulls out his badge and says. See this badge, this badge allows me to go anywhere I please and no one can stop me, ok? Farmer says ok. Half hour later the government man comes running out of the green barn yelling for his life. A huge bull chasing him The farmer walks to the fence and yells. SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE.
|
|
|
Post by puffy275 on Oct 13, 2014 16:21:39 GMT 10
A bus of intellectually challenged adults were on an outing, when there carer decided to to treat them to an afternoon at the local. He enters the establishment and approaches the owner and asked if it was ok. The owner says fine as long as they don't upset the rest of his patrons. All good the carer says, only one thing I have to say. When they order drinks, just go along with them, but they think that coke bottle tops is legal tender. Just tally it up and I'll pay at the end of the night. It will be great for there self esteem if they think they are being independent. So here they were, having a time of there life, spending all there coke bottle tops. At the end of it all the carer approaches the owner again and thanked him for being courteous to the group and asked what he was owed. The owner said that they could come anytime for they were a well behaved crowd and the tally came to $890. The carer said, is that all! You wouldn't happen to have change for dust bin lid?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 22:24:24 GMT 10
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful POSSIBLE SPAM POST - PLEASE REPORT kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your fuckin bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
|
|
|
Post by Azza ( AB ) on Oct 15, 2014 20:33:49 GMT 10
The lesbians that moved in next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday, I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch" Azza
|
|
|
Post by fasteddy on Oct 16, 2014 17:11:02 GMT 10
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older and a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
|
|
|
Joke
Oct 16, 2014 19:21:12 GMT 10
via mobile
Post by puffy275 on Oct 16, 2014 19:21:12 GMT 10
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older and a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom. That's just beautiful. good laugh.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2014 19:53:43 GMT 10
4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
|
|
|
Post by Frank on Oct 20, 2014 16:34:28 GMT 10
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some school work." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
Robot now for sale!
|
|
|
Joke
Oct 23, 2014 17:56:44 GMT 10
via mobile
Post by puffy275 on Oct 23, 2014 17:56:44 GMT 10
This Italian fruit and veggie shop owner was in a unhappy marriage, so much so, that he wanted to arrange a hit on his wife. So he goes off to see the 'Don' (godfather). The godfather understands his plight and refers him to a hitman called Artie. The shop owner then explains to Artie that his wife works with him in the greengrocers and on Wednesday, he is out doing deliveries, so she should be on her own. The shop owner asks how much the hit would cost and Artie says, I love my work so much I only charge s dollar. Wednesday arrives and Artie goes off to do the deed. Walks into the shop sights the woman and strangles her. Just as he finishes, a customer walks in a see'swhat has taken place and yells for help. Artie strangles her as well. Hearing the call for help, a passer by comes in and the same happens to her. When all was said and done and Artie was in custody. The news paper headline read.
EXTRA !EXTRA! ARTIE CHOKES 3 FOR A $1
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2014 20:50:02 GMT 10
Olide but gooodie A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig!)
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke
Oct 23, 2014 21:28:27 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2014 21:28:27 GMT 10
GO PIGGY LUV IT
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2014 20:38:09 GMT 10
I've had a few complaints about this page. Please can you only post funny Jokes
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2014 20:52:17 GMT 10
Had a joke written on a piece of paper but fell over in the mudd this arvo and now it,s a dirty joke . Cant tell it
|
|