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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2014 20:53:28 GMT 10
Had a joke written on a piece of paper but fell over in the mudd this arvo and now it,s a dirty joke . Cant tell it Ok your on a one week ban
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2014 21:06:23 GMT 10
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Post by Frank on Oct 26, 2014 20:14:09 GMT 10
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Post by placid on Oct 26, 2014 21:15:38 GMT 10
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Post by placid on Oct 28, 2014 18:19:27 GMT 10
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. “Rear toilet?” he suggests, “five minutes?” She agrees and away she goes. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. “Right, get that condom on” she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But pretty soon, there is a message across the P A system. “This is the Captain speaking. To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please, put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2014 18:21:06 GMT 10
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Post by LooseWheel on Dec 7, 2014 21:29:18 GMT 10
The lesbians that moved in next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday, I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch" Azza Bwhahahaha
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Post by placid on Jan 27, 2015 15:24:18 GMT 10
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I am the artist who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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Post by Frank on Jan 27, 2015 20:55:06 GMT 10
A teacher asks her pupils to draw a picture depicting a famous persons words
as she walks around the room she spots little Mary's picture
a large group of people below a clock, most are smiling a few have frowns on their faces
"Mary" she says "can you tell me about your painting"
"yes Ma'am, it sir Winston Churchill's famous saying Ma'am, "you can't please all of the people all of the time"
Very good Mary
the little jack has a bearded man hunching his shoulders and in a thought bubble a baby, a boy, a young man, and a coffin
"tell me about your picture Jack"
It's Ned Kelly's famous last words ma'am, "Such is life"
Very good Jack
Then she spots little Johnny's picture
Rolling hills and green pastures covered in Indian couples all over the place, making love a blue sky with the sun shinning and in the sky a fish with a halo over it
"My goodness" she says "tell me about your picture Johnny"
it's General Custer's famous last words Ma'am
"and what were they Johnny"
"Holy Mackerel, f@$!&ng Indians everywhere!!"
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Post by Spongebob on Jan 31, 2015 18:21:10 GMT 10
A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!
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Joke
Feb 9, 2015 22:25:38 GMT 10
Post by Spongebob on Feb 9, 2015 22:25:38 GMT 10
One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school." "I don't want to go to school," the son replied. His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Not good enough," the mother replied. "Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school." "One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."
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Post by Spongebob on Feb 11, 2015 22:21:37 GMT 10
UCLA Study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire Further studies are not expected.
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Post by Frank on Feb 17, 2015 17:44:19 GMT 10
The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard in Orange, seemed to be far too qualified for the job;
given her arts and education degrees from Sydney University and her job as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" "I've been divorced three times, owned two Fords, supported the Wallabies and Collingwood, and I voted for Tony Abbott.."
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Post by Spongebob on Feb 17, 2015 22:27:15 GMT 10
A crusty old biker from Brisbane out on a long summer ride in the country, pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : $2.00 MEAT PIE : $3.00 BACON & EGG PIE : $3.50 BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $4.50 HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the old biker. "Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am". The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a Meat Pie".
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Post by Azza ( AB ) on Feb 20, 2015 20:06:01 GMT 10
The other week I went for a ride in the country on my mates Harley. I was tooling along when it spluttered to a stop I was standing there scratching my head trying to work out what was wrong when I heard a voice say it most likely the carby. I looked around and saw no one just a big black horse. When I started to take the seat off the voice came again with '' it will be the carby'' when I looked around again the horse said " I'm telling you it's the carb it will be the needle and seat just give it a tap with a rock" Well I was flabagasted after I got over the shock I gave the carb a few taps with a rock then tried the starter and she kicked over sweet as. The big black horse said i told you so i thanked him and headed off. When I arrived at the next town I stopped at the pub for a beer and just had to relay my tale to the bar keep. After I excitedly told him all about it he calmly looked at me and said you were lucky it was the black horse because the grey one knows bugger all about carbies.
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