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Post by chillie on Feb 10, 2018 20:14:07 GMT 10
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.
He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated "I agree but under four conditions".
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex".
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex".
"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one".
After another long pause a voice arose and asked "And the fourth condition?"
The Pope smiled and replied "Big tits".
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Post by Frank on Feb 15, 2018 17:56:19 GMT 10
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment all of his own. As he went downstairs to put his name on his mailbox, a stunning young lady came out of her apartment near the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she took him by the hand and said, “Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment and she closed the door, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now naked, she asked, “What do you think is my best feature?”
Embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It's got to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my arse is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered...
“Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. Well, that was me.”
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Post by billy bones on Feb 16, 2018 11:58:17 GMT 10
a drunk walks out of an allnighter and walks home by the river where he sees a line of people going down to the water. he thinks he will join the line and see what it is all about. soon he is at the front of the line and a priest in a white robe asks if he is ready to find jesus. yes father he replies. the priest dunks the man under the water and says. did you find jesus my son. to witch the man replies. no father feeling a little frustrated the priest dunks him for a good ten seconds and repeats. did you find jesus my son. the man replies. no father. again the priest dunks the man and holds him down only letting him up when he starts flailing wildly. did you find jesus this time my son, he says angrily. to witch the drunk replies. no father, are you shure this is where he feel in?
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Post by chillie on Feb 19, 2018 18:38:35 GMT 10
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment all of his own. As he went downstairs to put his name on his mailbox, a stunning young lady came out of her apartment near the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she took him by the hand and said, “Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.” He followed her into her apartment and she closed the door, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now naked, she asked, “What do you think is my best feature?” Embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It's got to be your ears.” Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my arse is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?” Clearing his throat, he stammered... “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. Well, that was me.” Thats gold
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Post by Frank on Feb 19, 2018 21:19:48 GMT 10
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the POSSIBLE SPAM POST - PLEASE REPORT kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the POSSIBLE SPAM POST - PLEASE REPORT kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the POSSIBLE SPAM POST - PLEASE REPORT kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
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Post by chillie on Mar 28, 2018 21:39:18 GMT 10
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So ,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! for five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
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Post by Frank on Apr 5, 2018 21:00:25 GMT 10
Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration". You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles".
Of course Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought 'That's exactly what I need - a new suit!'
He entered the shop and told the salesman "I'd like a new suit". The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said "Let's see... size 42 long". Joe laughed "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see... 34 sleeves and... 16 and a half neck". Joe was surprised "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" came the reply.
Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2... E". Joe said astonished "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said "Sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36". Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old". "The salesman shook his head "You can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache".
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Post by Frank on Apr 12, 2018 20:06:33 GMT 10
A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
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Joke
Aug 11, 2018 22:26:49 GMT 10
maccca likes this
Post by kinghavok on Aug 11, 2018 22:26:49 GMT 10
I ended up with an older woman last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In Fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself think that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit (well, more than a bit) we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I had ever had a "Sportsman's Double?".
"What's that?" I asked
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," She said
"Oh!" I said as my mind began to embrace the idea.
"No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was "My lucky night."
I went back to her place. We walked in, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
"MUM! You still awake?!"
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