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Post by Bad Penny Customs on Mar 14, 2011 21:36:24 GMT 10
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I warned him about it, he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I went to the cemetery to lay flowers on a grave. I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later, they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself: "They've lost the plot!"
Was at an ATM yesterday, a little old lady asked me to check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was denied permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said: "It was claimed that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do."
My son's been asking for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our pet shop -- and they were $170 each! I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said: "I want something shiny that goes from 0-170 in about three seconds", so I bought her a set of scales.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
The Government has announced that they intend to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, forms will be printed in English.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC/RACQ/NRMA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself: "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign: "English-speaking doctor." I thought: 'What a good idea. Why don’t we have them in our country?'
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2011 7:45:39 GMT 10
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Post by Mac on Mar 16, 2011 16:07:11 GMT 10
Brilliant Simon, man after my own heart. I din't know I was dyslexic until I got an invite to a Toga party.....& turned up dressed as a Goat
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Post by Steve on Mar 16, 2011 17:46:06 GMT 10
To be sure to be sure An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 000. Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!'' Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!'' *click* *BANG* Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2011 18:01:45 GMT 10
;D ;D ;D Tops mate ;D ;D ;D ;D Love it. Cheers Ray
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Post by Mac on Mar 16, 2011 20:26:13 GMT 10
I think that last post should have been here, Sorry Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. ;D Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away). Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. As one frog said to another "Time sure fun, when you're having flies" ;D In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ;D He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2011 21:35:56 GMT 10
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant
Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. If you're going through hell, keep going. Genius at first is little more than a great capacity for receiving discipline.
He only is hopeless who has ceased to hope. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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Post by Mac on Mar 17, 2011 21:37:52 GMT 10
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. If you're going through hell, keep going. Genius at first is little more than a great capacity for receiving discipline. He only is hopeless who has ceased to hope. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. All good ones & well worth heading
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2011 21:41:31 GMT 10
Just like yours my man. I suppose you thought all yours up as well like i did hey. ;D
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Post by Mac on Mar 17, 2011 21:47:19 GMT 10
Hey ;D
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Post by Mac on Mar 17, 2011 21:55:20 GMT 10
You’ve all heard of Mahatma Ghandi?
He’s that mystical fellow who many years ago wandered all over India by
walking bare footed proclaiming peace. He walked over so much rough terrain
that his feet became quite callused. His diet left a bit to be desired too,
naturally he was vegetarian, which left him rather frail in appearance, &
not having good wholesome meals, meant that he had rather a bad breath too.
Trying to find a suscinct description of such a man is not easy, but he can
be summed up as a: -
SUPER-CALLOUSED-FRAGILE-MYSTIC-HEXED WITH-HALLITOSIS
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Post by WolfishGrin on Mar 20, 2011 14:38:15 GMT 10
I've always been a believer that "good humour" can cure all ills...I'm now of the opinion that "bad humour" can be just as powerful! Needed these laughs, so very much appreciated! ;D
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2011 17:12:38 GMT 10
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Mac on Mar 20, 2011 21:51:13 GMT 10
A young green frog (Kermit Jagger by name) approached a bank looking for a
loan to extend his pool so he could install a bigger lily pad. As he waited
in line at the bank he noted that the name on the tellers booth was “Mr. P.
Whack” & when he faced the teller he asked “Mr. Whack, I’d like to get a
bank loan for $30,000 to extend my pool”. The teller was not impressed
about a frog wanting to borrow money from the bank & indicated his
displeasure by saying “what makes you think the bank will lend you, a frog,
money?” The frog indicated that the teller should speak to the manager, as
he was a friend, “look” Kermit said “take this into the manager & tell him
I’m asking for a loan”, & he handed the teller some sort of trinket, it was
a little ivory elephant holding a trumpet. The teller thought the frog a bit
of an idiot, but to humour him, went into see the manager.
“Sir?” said the teller when he got to the manager’s door. “What is it
Paddy?” asked the manager. “I have a frog outside, his name is Kermit Jagger
& he says he knows you, & wants a loan for $30,000, he said to give you this
(holding out the trinket) what is it anyway?” To which the manager replied:
- “THAT’S A NIC-NAC PADDY WHACK, GIVE THE FROG A LOAN, HIS OLD MAN’S A ROLLING STONE” ;D
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2011 21:10:22 GMT 10
Ta mate that is a ripper. ;D ;D ;D
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