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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2011 21:13:46 GMT 10
A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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Post by Bad Penny Customs on Mar 21, 2011 21:22:22 GMT 10
That is a "ball tearer"!!!
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Post by Mac on Mar 22, 2011 22:28:01 GMT 10
A very famous musician was on the way home from work one night when he had to stop at the traffic lights. While he was waiting for the lights to turn green he noticed a man standing on the footpath with an apple in one hand and a small hammer in the other and he was hitting the apple with the hammer and creating a beautiful sound. The musician always on the look out for a new tune was so impressed by what he heard that he got out of his car and walked over to the man and asked him where did he learn to play music like that. The man explained that he was a moron and that he lived with a whole lot of other morons who also played the same music. The musician asked the man if he would take him to meet these other people. On arriving at the home of the moron he was astounded to see all these other morons all walking around with apples in one hand and hammers in the other tapping the apples and making this beautiful sound. The musician asked if he could form them into a choir. In no time the musician was able to transform the many individuals into a fantastic harmonious choir of morons all tapping apples with hammers. So good was the sound the musician asked if the home would allow him to cut a CD. The CD was made and ready for distribution. The Musician said what we now need is a name on the CD to promote the CD. One of the inmates said that's easy, Why don't we call it The Moron Tap-An-Apple Choir! ;D
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2011 21:55:23 GMT 10
I believe, indeed, that overemphasis on the purely intellectual attitude, often directed solely to the practical and factual, in our education, has led directly to the impairment of ethical values.
Don't spend your precious time asking "Why isn't the world a better place?" It will only be time wasted. The question to ask is "How can I make it better?" To that there is an answer.
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens
You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”
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Post by Bad Penny Customs on Mar 23, 2011 22:16:10 GMT 10
good stuff ray, good stuff.
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Post by Steve on Mar 24, 2011 9:13:44 GMT 10
Thats a bit heavey for an Old Boiler
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2011 20:45:31 GMT 10
Thats a bit heavey for an Old Boiler Yeah i know man Getting all wooshy these days hey. ;D ;D ;D But i believe it all mate. Cheers ray
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Post by Mac on Mar 25, 2011 16:37:32 GMT 10
Sorry RayD but being on the "one liners" post, I was waiting for the punch line & there wasn't one. ;D
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Post by Mac on Mar 25, 2011 16:44:53 GMT 10
Towel Heads. I recently recieved a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that, the Islamic Terrorists, who hate our guts & want to kill us, do not like to be "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but, in fact a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads". Thank you for your support & compliance in this matter. ;D ;D
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Post by Steve on Mar 25, 2011 17:09:54 GMT 10
;D
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Post by WolfishGrin on Mar 25, 2011 19:48:05 GMT 10
I believe, indeed, that overemphasis on the purely intellectual attitude, often directed solely to the practical and factual, in our education, has led directly to the impairment of ethical values. Don't spend your precious time asking "Why isn't the world a better place?" It will only be time wasted. The question to ask is "How can I make it better?" To that there is an answer. "Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” EXACTLY!
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Post by Mac on Mar 27, 2011 16:10:51 GMT 10
Some thoughts to ponder: Idle thoughts
......I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
......I had amnesia once -- or twice.
......Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
......All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
......What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
......They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
......Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
......One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
......My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
......I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
......The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
......How can there be self-help "groups"?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2011 20:03:39 GMT 10
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.”
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Post by Mac on Mar 28, 2011 9:46:46 GMT 10
rayd, that's right. It's a bit like proving that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound. Most people LOOK good when you first see them, then they open their mouth & you HEAR them,.... not so good.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2011 21:38:05 GMT 10
rayd, that's right. It's a bit like proving that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound. Most people LOOK good when you first see them, then they open their mouth & you HEAR them,.... not so good. Dido mate. . Bit like when a new person starts at work .Hey i've done his and that ,oh yeah that as well .So right give them that job and 2 min later they are asking for help. Why open your mouth if it's only to dribble. Cheers Ray
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